Before couples can feel safe enough to delve deeply into their most vulnerable conflicts, many couples need help communicating effectively. With high-conflict couples, one of the first skills I help them practice is non-violent communication.
Non-violent communication has four components: observations, feelings, needs, and requests.
The first step, observations, can be used whenever one member of the couple feels tempted to make an accusation, such as, “You’re a narcissist!” Instead, the person should try to describe the situation as accurately as possible, for example, “You’ve been talking about your day since I got home, and you haven’t asked me about mine.”
In the next step, you name how the situation made you feel using emotion words. To help clients distinguish emotions from thoughts and judgments, I remind them that emotions are a single word, such as sad or lonely.
In the following step, the person tries to identify the underlying need, such as, “I need you to show me you care about me and how I’m feeling.”
In the last step, the person makes a clear, action-oriented request that would address the need, such as, “Would you be willing to ask me how my day was and if I need a minute before going into too much detail about your work problems?”
Notice that this mode of communication does not include any criticism, insults, or demands. It also leaves room for the partner to suggest alternative solutions to the problem.
Non-violent communication requires lots of practice and patience. A supportive therapist can give encouragement and trouble-shooting, as the couple works toward incorporating this skill and lets go of destructive communication patterns.
Niquie Dworkin, PhD provides integrative psychodynamic therapy to couples, families, groups, and individuals.
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